Thursday, February 3, 2011

A Geek's Guide to Sports

I understand there is a big sports competition coming up this weekend. I don't know much about sports, but thought I'd share what I do know with my fellow geeks so they can be more informed around the office for water cooler conversations.

American Football

This is where two smart guys are mad at each other. They each have recruited two groups of really big supports. By "really big," I mean physically huge. Each group is trying to kill the other group's smart guy while at the same time trying to keep their smart guy from getting murdered by the opposing side's hit squad. They do this in a strange, alternating dance, where one team tries to kill the other's smart guy for a while and then they trade off and the second team tries to do in the first team's smart guy. To make their homicidal intents socially acceptable, they hide their true, life-ending goal behind a facade of moving an oblong ball from one end of a grassy expanse to the other.

Rugby

This is a variation of American Football, just without the smart guys.

Australian Football

This was developed in the southern hemisphere where everyone is upside down. I think the blood rushes to their heads since they've confused the rules. Like American Football and Rugby, there are two teams. However, half of each team plays American Football while the other half of each team plays Rugby.

Basketball

This is a track and field sport for tall people during the winter months when it's too cold to go outside. It involves a lot of running back and forth and back and forth (the track part) and jumping and heaving heavy objects (the field part) over their heads attempting to get it into a basket about the same size as the ball. All the while the other side is trying to stop the person with the ball. There are a couple guys running around dressed like zebras who randomly stop the action. Everyone gets angry at them. I think this has something to do with some hunting ritual that has slipped into the game. It's probably to remind us that sustenance is more important than games and we need to stop once in a while, come together and remember to focus on the hunt. Does zebra taste good? Seems like an odd animal to incorporate into the game.

Soccer

(This is known as Football in the rest of the world which actually makes more sense than what Americans call Football since it actually uses the feet whereas American Football uses the hands. Perhaps we should rename American Football to Handball. It'd certainly be more logical.) Anyway, soccer is just the same as Basketball except it's for short people who can't use their hands.

Hockey

This is soccer for people living in Canada where it's too cold for grass to grow. Since it's icy all the time, they play on frozen ponds while wearing skates. Other than that it's just like soccer. I think they must be really mad they have to play on ice since score is kept based on how much blood is shed.

Baseball

The strategy of this game is to play it so slow that you bore the other team into forfeiting. It's played with a small ball that, one by one, each team member tries to hit with a thin, long stick. Since these two items are both so small, they only come into contact randomly, thus prolonging the game. This is a great strategy to make the other team think they really are trying to move the game along when in fact it's simply a delaying tactic.

Cricket

The English have taken Baseball and really perfected the underlying goal of boring everyone. They obviously have much more patience that Americans though and have adapted the game to prolong it even further than the short-attention spans we have here in the colonies.

Well, now that you're better informed, I hope that helps you the next time the topic of sports comes up in the lunch room or during hallway conversations.